Thursday, December 8, 2016

2016 Fucking Sucked, But The Soundtrack Was Alright

It's the end of the year and that means it's my favorite time! No, not Christmas you fucking lunatic. It's time to judge all the music that has invaded our ears, rattled around in our heads, and came out the other side either in the plus or negative column. IT'S TIME FOR THE BEST ALBUMS OF THE YEAR!

Hello. Long time no see. So currently I am... let's call it a free agent. Since that is the case, I came crawling back to this blog because I have some opinions on the music released this year that I want to put out into the world. The good news is I'm not tied down to a professional web sites "rules" on what an end of the year list should be. I'm free to do exactly what I want. And you better fucking believe that I'm going to take full advantage of that. I've broken some of these down into categories that kind of speak for themselves. You'll see. So less talk more lists. Let's get into this shit.


Yeah. I'm starting with the terrible garbage bullshit albums that came out this year. Normal web sites might frown on this, but this is me we are talking about here. I might just hate music more than I like it. So without further ado, here are the albums that I hated that you are going to be pissed about:

Top 4 albums by old bands still doing the exact same boring old shit that you'll either forget/already forgot about:
4. Descendents - Hypercaffium Spazzinate (Epitaph)
3. Thrice - To Be Everywhere is to Be Nowhere (Vagrant Records)
2. NoFX - First Ditch Effort (Fat Wreck Chords)
1. The Bouncing Souls - Simplicity (Rise Records)

What a snooze fest. I've never been more bored by 4 albums from top tier "legendary" bands. Does Thrice count as legendary? Probably not, but their album put me to sleep all the same.

Top 2 bands that broke up after their albums were released who I'm not allowed to say I thought were mediocre at best at risk of getting called a white cis gendered hetero normative able bodied male who is contributing to marginalization and the destruction of safe spaces (did I hit all the key words?) but in reality that maybe while I realize it is important that these bands do their thing regardless of my personal shitty opinion, I still think the music sucks anyways:
2. The Lippies - The Lippies (Red Scare)
1. G.L.O.S.S. - Trans Day of Revenge (Total Negativity)

Tonia Broucek has a pretty ok voice. That's the best thing I can say about The Lippies. But it sounds like the band took that core concept and just kind of molded themselves around it. The dudes play their boring uninspired "punk" music while Tonia just kind of belts out whatever the fuck she wants (which ends up just being the same recycled voice inflection in rotation every other song). There is no cohesion. The best songs are the 2 ukulele tracks that are just Tonia. G.L.O.S.S. bores the ever loving shit out of me, but so does most hardcore bands really, and just because they are members of the LGBQT community won't guilt me into liking shitty hardcore. Also, Dyke Drama is waaaay better. So why even bring this up? Why not just shut the fuck up, ignore it, just not say anything, and let it go because it's not for you anyway idiot? Because this is my opinion blog and that's my opinion and fuck you.

Worst album of the year featuring Matt Skiba taking the place of a man who left to go search for aliens:
Blink 182 - California (BMG)

When the only good track on a 16 song album is 15 seconds long, you fucked up. "I want to see some naked Duuuuuuuudes, thats why I built this poooooool." Yes, that is seriously it.

Worst album of the year!
Beach Slang - A Loud Bash of Teenage Feelings (Polyvinyl Records)

Did you think I'd pick something else? Seriously. Fuck this stupid ass fucking band.


Well, not so much the bad as the:

Best worst album of the year!
Against Me! - Shape Shift With Me (Total Treble)

Mostly garbage, a few ok, and a couple of awesome tracks; but I still keep going back and forth hating this album and thinking it's alright. I love Against Me! so maybe I just can't be biased toward them. I hate so much about this fucking album, but it's still not as bad as White Crosses. Maybe that's enough.


Alright. Alright. Alright. Enough of the god damn negativity. Let's get into the good stuff. I didn't think 2015 could be topped, but here we are. 2016 might have been a shit year all around, but I'll be god damned if the music wasn't fucking great.

Top 10 albums that didn't make my top 10 list:
10. Twin Screw Steamer - Tread Water (Def Cow Records)
9. Problem Daughter - Fits of Disorganized Boredom (Dying Scene Record)
8. wolves & wolves & wolves & wolves - The Cross and the Switchblade (Wiretap Records)
7. Two Cow Garage - Brand New Flag (Last Chance Records)
6. Pkew Pkew Pkew - Pkew Pkew Pkew (Royal Mountain Records)
5. Jeff Rosenstock - Worry. (Sideonedummy)
4. Touché Amoré - Stage Four (Epitaph)
3. New Way On - Roads Home (La Escalera)
2. Four Lights - Death to False Posi (Bomb Pop Records)
1. Bastards of Young - White Knuckles (La Escalera)

AKA shout out to all the bands I couldn't fit into the top 10. Obviously.

Top 2 acoustic albums I forgot about until after I made my top 10 list:
2. Off With Their Heads - Won't Be Missed (Anxious and Angry)
1. Zach Quinn - One Week Record (One Week Records)

The OWTH acoustic album is exactly what it sounds like. OWTH songs done acoustic. If you're a fan of the band and acoustic music, you'll probably like it. If not, probably not. It's pretty fucking simple. I am, so I did. Zach Quinn on the other hand is not just PEARS acoustic. Sure, a couple songs are from his previous bands, Little Bags and The Lollies, but most of this is new music. And it's awesome.

Top 6 Ep's or Splits or whatever else didn't count as a full record:
6. DFMK - 7 Canciones Sobre Un Individualismo Radical (La Escalera
5. Freya Wilcox and the Howl/Oh My Snare! - Split (FtLP Records)
4. The Dudikoffs - Sweet Nothings
3. The Holy Mess - Trash Age
2. Dead to Me - I Wanna Die In Los Angeles (Fat Wreck Chords)
1. Western Settings - Old Pain (La Escalera)

A bunch of really good mini albums! How cute! These all rule though, seriously, check them out. It won't take much of you're time.

OK, enough teasing. Here it fucking is.


10. PUP - The Dream Is Over (Sideonedummy)

This was one that took me a while to get into, exactly like their last album. But at the end of the year, it was still on my mind. Plus if their new music video for "Sleep in the Heat" doesn't make you cry you are a god damn monster.

9. Squarecrow - Rammi Jamms (La Escalera)

Solid fucking album from some solid fucking dudes, you need to put Squarecrow on your radar. And I'm not just saying that because they put me in their music video. What is a Squarecrow? What are Rammi Jamms? Who fucking cares. This album is so much better than Kevin White's disgusting feet. 

8. Turkish Techno - Number 2 (Dirt Nap Records)

I keep forgetting Turkish Techno put this album out this year. Maybe it's because they took so fucking long to release it. Maybe it's because I've been hearing these songs for years. Whatever. The important thing is it did come out this year and that it was totally worth the wait. 

7. Get Dead - Honesty Lives Elsewhere (Fat Wreck Chords)

Get Dead released a great punk album. Not pop punk. Not folk punk. Not hardcore punk. Punk. These guys can be a little... off putting to some of the members of the pop punk community I mostly find myself in, namely the Fest type crowd. They are loud, brash, and will say what's on their mind, and don't give a shit if you think it's appropriate or not. Hey, just like a punk band would! Weird.  

6. Great Apes - California Heart (Asian Man Records)

Whoops, forgot this one the first time. Doesn't mean it's not a great album though. Obviously, idiot. It's top ten material. "Prom Com" rules. But like, so do most of the tracks. 

5. The Falcon - Gather Up The Chaps (Red Scare)

The album that sparked a million inside jokes. If you would have asked me right after this came out it would have been my #1 album of the year, but after some of the shock that a new Falcon album actually came out wore off, here we are. #5 is still pretty good. Right?

4. Direct Hit! - Wasted Mind (Fat Wreck Chords)

How would Direct Hit! follow up the near perfect album Brainless God? That was the question on everyone's mind, probably. You know, if you care about that sort of thing. The answer was to trade in the concept of fucked humanity for the trip of a life time. Ha. Get it? Because this album is about drugs? Anyway, this album is also good and "Paid in Brains" might be the catchiest song ever written ever.

3. The Coathangers - Nosebleed Weekend (Suicide Squeeze)

I love this band. Their live show is amazing and each album they put out constantly evolves, and not in that shitty way were the band strays so far from their roots they are unrecognizable. This is the good kind of evolution. The one where they don't become stagnant. There is a song with a squeaky dog toy in it! And it's not a pretentious "art" song either. It just makes sense. Evolution. Or whatever.

2. Caskitt - Old Fires New Frontier (La Escalera)
Speaking of evolving, Caskitt sure is moving right along.  Their second album in just as many years, Old Fires New Frontier see's them step up in a huge way. All three of these dudes are very very talented musicians, and Matt's lyrics are the icing on the cake. Sometimes I find myself walking through a grocery store, or taking a dump, mindlessly humming "Villains."  I am super fucking proud of these guys, and stoked to see where they go next. 

1. PEARS - Green Star (Fat Wreck Chords)

PEARS is the best band to come along this decade. It took me forever to actually appreciate them but when I finally figured it out, fuck me. Green Star takes what made everyone fall in love with them on Go To Prison, and tweaks it enough to make themselves fit into the Fat Wreck Chords "sound" while at the same time not losing their edge. Plus their live show continues to be the most energetic and entertaining around despite never fucking stopping. PEARS is an unstoppable force.  

There it is. Another year in the books. Another handful of awesome music to satisfy us until the shit show of the new year starts. Do you agree with my picks? Are you mad I said I didn't like G.L.O.S.S.? Who do you think should have been number 1? Did you think the Descendents album wasn't boring as shit? Leave your thoughts in the comments! Hahaha. Just kidding, I don't fucking care. Keep your god damn opinion to yourself or write your own fucking thing so that I can read it and disagree with you. Never fucking ends.  

See you turds on 2017!